Cargo: The Quest for Gravity (PC) – Review
| Game Name: | Cargo: The Quest for Gravity |
| Platforms: | Steam, PC |
| Publisher(s): | bitComposer Games, Viva Media |
| Developer(s): | Ice-pick Lodge |
| Genre(s): | Action Adventure |
| Release Date: | Available Now |
| ESRB Rating: | Teen |
When I was gifted this game on Steam I automatically knew something was up. People only ever gift me steam things because they’re either really good, or terribly, horribly bad. Cargo: The Quest for Gravity is neither of these things. This game transcends all levels of ratings and creates a scale all of its own.
The game opens with a rather portly man sitting on the front of a cargo airship singing an old sea shanty whilst a rather punk rock looking woman commandeers the ship. As you fly over the city you’re to make a delivery to, the locals become over excited and greet you with a show of fireworks. However I guess it didn’t enter their mind that flying rockets and an airship don’t mix, as the airship soon comes crashing down and the cargo is scattered everywhere. Now it’s up to the punky woman we met before, Flawkes, to gather up the cargo and make the delivery.
This game offers you no grace period, it throws you straight into the horrendously bad plot and freaky control system from the get go. I spent my first five minutes of this title giving myself vertigo, as every time I moved my mouse the tiniest inch the camera would swing around like it was on crack.
Once I was able to walk in a straight line without wanting to throw up, I took a couple of steps forward and was met with one of the most disturbing images I’ve seen all year. They were small, but not cute. Naked but not sexy. Musical but not entertaining. Fat but not funny. They were the most unappealing fat pudding faced little men I’d ever seen in my life.
They greeted me with rhymes and music and immediately I wanted to shoot them in the face. Their voices were annoying, their faces were offensive and I wanted nothing more than for them to kindly shut the hell up. Unfortunately for me (and my lingering sanity) a major design flaw kept me from skipping their trauma inducing introduction to the song, so I had no choice but to grit my teeth and sit through it.
Once that was over the game really gets on its way. You must collect currency and use it to buy parts to build an assortment of things that will help you gather up the cargo that’s floating away in the ocean.
I have to say, collecting currency (called ‘fun’) was my favourite part of this game, simply because it involved running after the fat monstrosity things (‘Buddies’) and booting them up the arse as hard as you could until they exploded into confetti and flew away. It was simple, but it was satisfying. However it wasn’t enough to keep me going through this mess of a game. Especially when the very first mission was so tedious it made me want to gouge my eyes out.
All I had to do was make a boat so I could go out in the ocean and collect some cargo. But not only does the blueprint of the boat look like it was drawn by somebody who licks bus windows, the controls are incredibly unresponsive. How it is even possible to have to click something five times for it to register in the same game where the camera swings around like a madman I do not know. But I pushed through and made my boat, then got out into the ocean, and that’s where my patience ran out.
Controlling this boat was impossible, despite the fact that the control system itself was rather simple. Having a simple control system does not always make for simple controls however, especially when they don’t seem to work. Turning the boat required me to press the turn button so hard I swore I’d see my fingertip go through my desk.
It was at that point I gave up on this game. It was no longer my problem to collect the cargo, and about that I could not care less. Normally I do try quite hard to finish the games I review, but this was just impossible. I wish this game upon no one, and it saddens me that someone wished it upon me. Goodbye Flawkes, goodbye Buddies. If I never see you again it will be far too soon.Cargo: The Quest for Gravity earns 1 star out of 5.
